President Obama is being confronted by some very public insubordination by this high-ranking administration figure with obviously ulterior motives… A. Stanley McChrystal B. David Petraeus C. Hillary Clinton  Twin Cities residents were shocked to learn this week that this might be hazardous to their health … A. Undercooked SpaghettiO’s B. Tainted shellfish C. Nurse strikes  [...]

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Tags: 2010 World Cup, Afghanistan, Algeria, Barack Obama, Barbara Walters, baseball, beaches, caddie, California, Cinemax, Cleveland Cavaliers, clubhouse, David Petraeus, digital recording, elimination, England, France, Gregory Havret, groin, groping, Gulf Coast, Gulf of Mexico, health, Hillary Clinton, insubordination, Internet, Jackson 5, Joran Van Der Sloot, Kate Hudson, Lady GaGa, LeBron James, logo, Miley Cyrus upskirt, mother, NBA, NBA Finals, New York Yankees, Nixons, nurse strike, oil spill, Osmonds, Pebble Beach, Perez Hilton, redemption, Ron Artest, skin flick, Slovenia, soccer, SpaghettiOs, Stanley McChrystal, Steve Williams, tainted shellfish, Tiger Woods, Twin Cities, U.S. Open, undercooked, United States, venereal disease, vodka, vuvuzelas

1. Joran Van Der Sloot “Tricked” into confessing …. and into murdering those two women. (previous ranking: unranked) 2. North Korea Only a touchdown worse than Portugal. In soccer. (unranked) 3. Steve Smith Carolina star latest victim of the flag football scourge. (unranked) 4. Gulf Coast oil spill BP has paid $2 billion so far, just a [...]

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Tags: "American Pie", "Annexed", 2010 World Cup, Alejandro Falla, Amsterdam, Anne Frank, Aruba, Barack Obama, BP, British Petroleum, broken arm, Carolina Panthers, Chris Klein, clubhouse, confession, drunk, drunk driving, fiction, flag football, fortnight, Germany, golf, groping, Gulf Coast, Gulf of Mexico, hermaphrodite, Holocaust, Joran Van Der Sloot, Koman Coulibaly, Lady GaGa, Lindsay Lohan, Mali, murder, Natalee Holloway, Netherlands, New York Yankees, NFL, North Korea, oil spill, Peru, Peter Van Pels, Phil Luckett, Portugal, referee, rehab, Roger Federer, sex diary, Sharon Dogar, soccer, South Africa, Stephany Flores, Steve Smith, tennis, Tony Hayward, upset, wide receiver, Wimbledon, yachting

Pop star Lady Gaga was banned from the New York Yankees’ clubhouse after drinking whiskey and groping herself during a visit to the locker room Friday night. Despite the outcry, witnesses said it was her most uncanny Mickey Mantle impersonation ever. Lindsay Lohan reportedly passed a urine test that showed she did not use alcohol [...]

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Tags: 2010 World Cup, actress, adoption, adultery, alcohol monitoring, Amanda Bynes, Angelina Jolie, Annette Benning, Barack Obama, baseball, BP, Brazil, British Petroleum, California, Carl Pavano, clubhouse, cold, crotch shot, Elin Nordegren, fake moustache, golf, Graeme McDowell, groping, Gulf Coast, Gulf of Mexico, hicks, Hollywood, infidelity, Ivory Coast, Kaka, Katherine Jackson, Kathlyn Beatty, King of Pop, Koman Coulibaly, Lady GaGa, Lindsay Lohan, Madonna, Mali, Michael Jackson, Mickey Mantle, Miley Cyrus, Minnesota Twins, MTV Movie Awards, New York Yankees, Northern Ireland, oil spill, Pebble Beach, Perez Hilton, pervert, Philadelphia Phillies, red card, referee, regatta, retirement, Roy Halladay, sex change, Slovenia, soccer, South Africa, Thanksgiving, Tiger Woods, Tony Hayward, Twitter, U.S. Open, United States, upskirt, urine test, Warren Beatty, whiskey, yachting

For thousands of years, the Japanese have utilized the poetry of haiku to describe our world’s abundant beauty. The Loop Now uses it to mock the world’s easily mockable …  STEVE CONSALVI  “Tase Me Bro”   Buoyant Philly fan  Skips across greensward to find  50,000 volts  “JERSEY SHORE”  “I Am Curious (Orange)”   “Guidos” and “Guidettes”  Spray [...]

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Tags: "I Am Curious (Orange)", "Jersey Shore", "Oprah", "Today Show", "Tonight Show", adultery, Barack Obama, baseball, bedroom, Ben Roethlisberger, biography, Brett Favre, budget deficit, Capitol Hill, car bomb, catcher, CBS, chin, CoCo, Conan O'Brien, curveball, David Letterman, diamond toe ring, Diane Sawyer, dung, erectile dysfunction, Eric Massa, Faisal Shahzad, fertilizer, fist bump, forest, Georgia, greensward, groping, Guidettes, Guidos, haiku, Hall of fame, Hamlet, health care reform, hook, in-breeding, infidelity, intern, Japan, Jay Leno, Joe Mauer, John Tesh, Kitty Kelley, Larry King, Late Show, Limp Bizkit, Mankato, Mindy McCready, Minnesota Twins, Minnesota Vikings, Mister Softee, MTV, NBC, New York, NFL, Oprah Winfrey, ox, paws, Philadelphia Phillies, Pittsburgh Steelers, quarterback, reality TV, Roger Clemens, sex scandal, Shawn King, slice, spine, sprained ankle, spray tan, Steroids, Steve Consalvi, Taser, The Loop Now, therapist, tickle, Tickle Me Elmo, Tiger Woods, Tiki Barber, Times Square, training camp, Twins, U.S. Capitol, U.S. House, voltage, William Shakespeare, Wilson Ramos

“Father of our Country” George Washington reportedly never returned two books he borrowed from a New York library and now owes more than $300,000 in late fees. The books in question were “Law of Nations” and Larry King’s autobiography. Chicago’s Joakim Noah raised eyebrows across Ohio by opining that “Cleveland really sucks.” This would add [...]

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Tags: "Cheers", "Frasier", "Law of Nations", 1994 World Cup, 2009 World Series, al-Qaeda, arrests, Barack Obama, baseball, bestiality, Big Apple, Big Ten, cell phone, Chicago Bulls, Cleveland, Cleveland Cavaliers, Colorado Avalanche, conservative, Dan Boyle, Denny Hecker, doormen, drug smuggling, ear infection, Facebook, George Washington, groping, health care reform, Hollywood, Iceland, India, Islam, Joakim Noah, Kelsey Grammer, Larry King, library, Minnesota, MInnesota Gophers, murder, Museum of Modern Art, NBA, New York, New York Yankees, NHL, nude models, Obamacare, Ohio, Osama bin Laden, overtime, own goal, playoffs, RightNetwork, San Jose Sharks, soccer, social networking, toilet, Unemployment, unions, United Nations, volcano, Washington, White House

Police in Georgia investigating the Ben Roethlisberger case have requested a DNA sample from the Pittsburgh quarterback. They expect Big Ben to comply, because if there’s one thing Roethlisberger is famous for, it’s eagerly sharing his DNA. Roethisberger reportedly admits to having had sexual “contact” with his accuser, who then happened to slip on the [...]

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Tags: "Early Show", "The Dude", Adrian Peterson, bankruptcy, Ben Roethlisberger, bikini area, CBS, colonoscopy, conspiracy theories, cousins, distracted driving, DNA, Florida, fumbles, Georgia, governor, groping, Harry Smith, incest, Jesse Ventura, Katie Couric, LaDainian Tomlinson, Lenny Dykstra, lesbian, Major League Soccer, Minnesota, Minnesota Vikings, Mississippi, New York Mets, NFL, Philadelphia Phillies, Pittsburgh Steelers, Pro Bowl, prom, San Diego Chargers, sex assault, strike

The words people say, and what they actually are thinking when they say them, are often two very different things. That’s why we use The Loop Quote Converter.   ERIC MASSA Onetime New York Congressman, on the incident that led to his resignation: “Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn’t [...]

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Tags: "Jihad Jane", "Tonight Show", 2010 Winter Olympics, 9-11, Augusta, Barack Obama, baseball, Ben Roethlisberger, Bill Simmons, bimbos, blowhard, botox, bribery, CBS, closer, Colleen LaRose, Congress, conspiracy theories, crime, Dan Rather, David Letterman, e-mail, E-Trade, Ed Garland, elbow surgery, Eric Massa, ESPN, Evan Lysacek, Evgeni Plushenko, extortion, family, figure skating, fog, George W. Bush, Georgia, giant slalom, gold medal, governor, groping, HDNet, health care reform, housewife, Howard Stern, Internet, Jack Nicklaus, Jay Leno, Jesse Ventura, jihad, Joe Nathan, judges, Julia Mancuso, Keith Olbermann, Late Show, lawsuit, Lindsay Lohan, Lindsey Vonn, Masters, milkaholic, Minnesota, Minnesota Twins, MSNBC, Nancy Pelosi, NBC, New York, NFL, parody, Pentagon, PGA Tour, pig, Pittsburgh Steelers, Pope Benedict XVI, pro wrestling, punch line, racism, Robert Halderman, Russia, sex assault, sex scandal, shock jock, silver medal, Sirius satellite radio, speaker, state troopers, Stephanie Ovadia, subliminal, Super Bowl, terrorism, tickle fight, Tiger Woods, traffic, U.S. House of Representatives, Vancouver, Vatican, vomit, watermelons, word salad, World Trade Center

1. Harry Smith Just what we wanted to see first thing in the morning: This guy’s colon! (Previous ranking: unranked) 2. School bomb threats An entertaining way for Australian losers to pass the time. (unranked) 3. Joe Nathan Well, this explains his Ron Davis impersonation during the ‘09 playoffs. (1)  4. Ben Roethlisberger Says it was all consensual … [...]

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Tags: "Jihad Jane", "The Early Show", "The Lost Boys", Australia, baseball, Ben Roethlisberger, bomb threats, cartoonist, CBS, closer, Colleen LaRose, colon, colonoscopy, Corey Haim, Cretin-Derham Hall, drugs, E-Trade, elbow surgery, Eric Massa, financial crisis, Georgia, Greece, groping, Harry Smith, Joe Nathan, lawsuit, Lindsay Lohan, Marion Jones, milkaholic, Minneapolis, Minnesota Twins, New York, NFL, overdose, perjury, Pittsburgh Steelers, prison, rehab, Ron Davis, sex assault, Sweden, tickle fight, Tulsa Shock, U.S. House of Representatives, WNBA

    A new government study finds that one in six Americans has been exposed to …    A. Herpes   B. The H1N1 virus   C. Ben Roethlisberger’s Two-Minute Drill    Joe Nathan’s elbow injury has caused great anxiety across Minnesota as fans fear the Twins’ closer in 2010 will be …    A. Jon Rauch   B. Pat [...]

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Tags: "Avatar", "Hanoi Jane", "Jihad Jane", "One Shining Moment"Je, "Pants on the Ground", 1960s, 1985, 9-11, abuse, Academy Awards, Al Gore, Alec Baldwin, Alicia Keys, allegations, American Dairy Association, Andy Kaufmann, Ankle bracelet monitoring devices, Armpit of America, audit, Augusta, Barack Obama, baseball, Ben Roethlisberger, Bob Geldof, breast milk, Brian Denehey, Bronx, cancer, CBS Sports, Chad Ochocinco, charity, Charlie Sheen, chef, Church of Scientology, Cincinnati Bengals, Cleveland Cavaliers, closer, Colleen LaRose, college football, Congress, conspiracy theories, detox, E-Trade, El Salvador, elbow surgery, Elizabeth Canalis, Eric Massa, ESPN, flask, freedom fighters, Gabourey Sidibe, genitalia, George Clooney, George Costanza, Girls Gone Wild, global climate change, Gold's Gym, Gotham Bowl, Green Bay Packers, groping, H1N1 virus, health care reform, hermaphrodite, herpes, Howard Stern, Huffington Post, Internet, Jack Nicklaus, James Cameron, Jane Fonda, Jennifer Hudson, Jesse Ventura, Jim Beam, Joe Francis, Joe Nathan, John Roberts, Jon Rauch, lactation, Lady GaGa, Larry Elder, Latka Gravas, LeBron James, Lindsay Lohan, Live Aid, Masters, Meryl Streep, milkaholic, mind control, Minnesota Twins, Mo'Nique, monologue, naked, NBA, New Amsterdam, New York, New York City, New York Times, NFL, nudity, obesity, Oscars, Pat Neshek, penicillin, PGA Tour, Pinstripe Bowl, Pittsburgh Steelers, Rahm Emanuel, rebels, Renee Zellweger, Robert DeNiro, Seinfeld, sex assault, sex scandal, Sirius satellite radio, Snuggies, Somalia, State of the Union address, Steve Martin, Supreme Court, Tea Party, terrorism, Tiger Woods, true love, U.S. House of Representatives, Vince Lombardi, Yankee Stadium

Canada’s women’s hockey team, after beating the United States for the Olympic gold medal on Thursday night, celebrated out on the ice with beer, champagne and cigars. In other words, it was a typical weekday night for Canada’s women’s hockey team. A leak in the aquarium at the Dubai Mall forced an evacuation of one [...]

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Tags: "Pardon the Interruption", 2010 Winter Olympics, advertising, animal rights, aquarium, Asia, Barack Obama, Beer, blather, Brooke Hundley, Brooke Mueller, cafeteria, Canada, captivity, Central Park, champagne, Charlie Sheen, chicken, China, cigars, crack cocaine, crackhead, degradation, Democrats, Dubai Mall, Earth, ESPN, food, gold medal, groping, Hannah Storm, health care reform, interns, Jim Gibbons, Joan Rivers, killer whale, lawsuit, lead, mall, Manhattan, McNuggets, muggers, Nevada, New York, O.J. Simpson, Orca, Orlando, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, PETA, Republicans, SeaWorld, sex, sex scandal, sharks, shopping center, Steve Phillips, theme park, Tiger Woods, Tilikum, Tony Kornheiser, toys, trainer, tree, U.S. curling, United States, waitress, wilding, women's hockey, World Trade Organization, zealots