Day 149 - Go Wild by Rockin' Rob
Thousands of dollars worth of the Minnesota Wild’s gear was destroyed Friday when a fire broke out in the equipment van while it was parked in Ottawa. Some of the gear was burned to such a crisp that it reminded witnesses of the Vikings’ secondary.
The Vikings lost to Carolina on Sunday night, but Julius Peppers was impressed with the Purple. The Panthers’ all-pro defensive end said he found Minnesota quarterback Brett Favre to be tastier than ever.
Nebraska Sen. Ben Nelson, after much hemming and hawing, finally announced that he will be the 60th vote needed to pass the Democrats’ health care reform plan through the Senate. Nelson only pledged his vote after Majority Leader Harry Reid promised to get him laid.
In a semi-related note, Tiger Woods, after much consultation with his Nike advisers and other close associates, has finally determined that, at this late date, he cannot possibly get unlaid.
Woods reportedly is determined to save his marriage and is trying to keep his wife Elin from divorcing him over his double-digit tally of prostitutes and waitresses. Upon hearing of Woods’ intentions, every single person on Earth laughed.
A blizzard shut down the nation’s capital over the weekend, dumping about 2 feet of snow. There was so much snow on the White House grounds, it took the president’s mother-in-law nearly 12 hours to shovel it.
Bobby Knight has ripped into Kentucky coach John Calipari, accusing him of a lack of integrity. It’s believed to be one of the harshest charges ever leveled by a cop-punching choke artist living in a glass house.
Iran’s most prominent dissident cleric, Grand Ayatollah Hossein Ali Montazeri, has died at age 87. He apparently died of natural causes, unlike most Iranian dissidents.
The Boston Red Sox’s trade of Mike Lowell to Texas has been called off because the third baseman has a torn ligament in his thumb, making him almost as worthless in trade as Milton Bradley.
The Chicago Cubs unloaded Bradley in a trade with Seattle that brought them former Twins pitcher Carlos Silva. It’s one of the biggest offal for offal trades in major league history.
Recently filed court papers strongly suggest that former vice presidential candidate John Edwards, in fact, fathered the child of his mistress, Rielle Hunter. That news was greeted with a 12-second sigh of relief by Tiger Woods.
Tags: Barack Obama, Ben Nelson, blizzard, Bobby Knight, Boston Red Sox, Brett Favre, Carlos Silva, Carolina Panthers, Democratic Party, Earth, Elin Nordegren, Elizabeth Edwards, fire, Grand Ayatollah Hossein Ali Montazeri, Harry Reid, Indiana Hoosiers, Iran, John Calipari, John Edwards, Julius Peppers, Kentucky Wildcats, marriage, Mike Lowell, Milton Bradley, Minnesota Twins, Minnesota Vikings, Minnesota Wild, mother-in-law, Nebraska, Nevada, NFL, NHL, Nike, offal, Ottawa, palimony, Pan Am Games, Rielle Hunter, Seattle Mariners, snow, Texas Rangers, Tiger Woods, U.S. Senate, White House
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