Pastor Terry Jones by Noloso3

1. Terry Jones

Yeah … the Koran hater really is as dumb as he looks. (previous ranking: 2)

2. Minnesota Vikings

Used to be able to score in double figures. (unranked)

3. Snooki

Disappointed to learn “community service” has nothing to do with a sex act. (1)

4. Tom Brady

Needs a new car. And a haircut. (unranked)

5. Fidel Castro

It just dawned on him that Cuban communism “doesn’t even work.” (unranked)

6. Chris Berman’s moustache

A big help when trying to pick up zaftig ESPN interns. (unranked)

7. Floyd Mayweather

Unbeaten, unlike his baby mama. (unranked)

8. Will Smith & Jada Pinkett Smith

Finally got 9-year-old daughter a record contract … after eight years of wrangling. (unranked)

9. Russian basketball team

Forgot to bribe the referees this time. (unranked)

10. Susan Boyle

Lou Reed is NOT a fan. (unranked)

Others receiving votes: Matt Barnes, Nick O’Leary, AJ Green, Denny Hecker, BP, Reggie Bush, Dan Hampton, Dennis Rodman, Kent Hrbek, sinkholes, green tea, Britney Spears.

Adrian Peterson by Italian Freedom Fighter

Vikings at Saints (-5½):

The Vikings’ Adrian Peterson made some headlines on the eve of this NFC title game rematch, not only guaranteeing a Minnesota victory, but also claiming that he’s a better running back than Tennessee’s 2000-yard man, Chris Johnson. So we now can add humility to the long list of things that All Day has dropped.

Pick: Saints by 8

Bengals at Patriots (-4½):

It’s an all-star meeting of malcontent wide receivers as Cincinnati’s Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco face off against New England’s Randy Moss. Throw in Patriots coach Bill Belichick, and this might be the greatest gathering of egomaniacal a-holes since the last Oscars.

Pick: Patriots by 7

Cardinals at Rams (+4):

No. 1 draft pick Sam Bradford is under the microscope as he starts his rookie season as the Rams’ starting quarterback. Historians say they haven’t seen such a rapid ascent of an inexperienced novice since Inauguration Day 2009.

Pick: Cardinals by 7

Broncos at Jaguars (-2½):

Denver rookie Tim Tebow returns to his hometown of Jacksonville on Sunday to make his NFL debut. While the third-string quarterback is not expected to see a lot of action this season, he’ll still a heavy favorite to lead the league in virginity.

Pick: Jaguars by 5

Raiders at Titans (-6½):

Vince Young’s mother says the Titans quarterback does not want the Heisman Trophy if it’s taken from Reggie Bush. Felicia Young says that God “gave” that award to the scandal-plagued USC star, thought the Almighty actually wasted his 2005 Heisman vote on Brady Quinn.

Pick: Titans by 9

Colts at Texans (+2):

Former Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinart has begun his new life in Houston, and he’s already getting used to his new routines. He’ll spend about half of this season holding a clipboard. The other half, he’ll spend trying to figure out where he misplaced his clipboard.

Pick: Colts by 4

Ravens at Jets (-2):

All’s swell in New York as the Jets’ summer of “Hard Knocks” ended with the re-signing of star cornerback Darrelle Revis. They’ll be thinking Super Bowl until that first moment Monday night when Mark Sanchez reminds everyone that he’s just a poor man’s Matt Leinart.

Pick: Ravens by 3

Falcons at Steelers (+2½):

The Steelers enter a new season with a new offensive captain. The players chose to replace Ben Roethlisberger with wide receiver Hines Ward, who has somehow managed to play 12 years in the NFL without a single allegation of rape.

Pick: Falcons by 7

Browns at Buccaneers (-3):

Carolina castoff Jake Delhomme is now at the helm for the once-again-rebuilding Browns, who are coming off a five-win season. Cleveland fans should really grow to like their new quarterback, mostly because he doesn’t have any talents worth taking to South Beach.

Pick: Browns by 1

Dolphins at Bills (+3):

Dolphins czar Bill Parcells has retired for the ump-teenth time, handing over the reins to handpicked successor Jeff Ireland. Parcells will stay in Miami as a consultant for a few weeks until another moribund team comes around waving a big, big check.

Pick: Bills by 3

Lions at Bears (-6½):

Former Vikings coach Mike Tice has landed in Chicago, where he’ll serve as the Bears’ offensive line coach. While this might not improve the blocking ability of the Bears’ linemen, it should do wonders for their ticket-scalping skills.

Pick: Bears by 3

OTHER GAMES

Packers at Eagles (+3):

Pick: Packers by 5

Panthers at Giants (-6½):

Pick: Giants by 3

49ers at Seahawks (+3):

Pick: Seahawks by 3

Cowboys at Redskins (+3½):

Pick: Cowboys by 7

Chargers at Chiefs (+4½):

Pick: Chargers by 7

RECORD

2009-10: Straight up 176-91 (.659), vs. spread 132-131-4 (.502)

Total (2003-10): Straight up 1198-670-1 (.641), vs. spread 928-886-55 (.512)

Snooki at Seaside Heights by NVS_inc

1. Snooki

“A Lindsay Lohan wannabe,” according to a Judge Judy wannabe. (previous ranking: unranked)

2. Terry Jones

Proves Islam hasn’t cornered the market on religious whackos. (unranked)

3. BP

Incredibly impartial oil spill investigation by BP finds BP not really at fault. (unranked)

4. Reggie Bush

Saint? Hardly. (1)

5. Dan Hampton

Can’t get enough of those “Brokeback” and “Katrina” one-liners. (unranked)

6. Dennis Rodman

What’s the point of having a six-woman orgy if you don’t broadcast it to the world? (unranked)

7. Kent Hrbek

Believes in turning knees into plowshares. (4)

8. Sinkholes

Like there weren’t enough torn up streets in St. Paul to begin with. (3)

9. Green tea

Not everything it’s cracked up to be. (unranked)

10. Britney Spears

Keeps her friends close and her bodyguards closer … allegedly. (unranked)

Others receiving votes: Bill Parcells, Morrissey, Randy Moss, Albert Haynesworth, Wayne Rooney, Stephen Slater, Denny Hecker, Barack Obama, Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart, Richard Daley, school, Mark David Chapman, Tiger Woods.

Kent Hrbek by Thedancingllama

Kent Hrbek stole the show at Sunday’s Twins old-timers game at Target Field. The onetime slugger created a 2-foot-long divot in the pristine turf when he slid clumsily while reaching for …

A. A foul pop-up

B. A ground ball

C. Beer No. 14

Minnesota Wild center James Sheppard might miss most of this upcoming NHL season after shattering his kneecap when he …

A. Was involved in an ATV accident

B. Got hit by a stray puck during practice

C. Fell through the sidewalk in downtown St. Paul

Boise State made a statement on national TV Monday night by beating Virginia Tech in its season opener. Millions watching the action at home were asking themselves …

A. “Can a small school like Boise win the national championship?”

B. “Will the Broncos’ rise lead to a college football playoff?”

C.” How much did Nike pay those teams to wear those Halloween costumes?”

Some of Lady Gaga’s most passionate fans cried foul this week when she appeared on the cover of a magazine wearing …

A. A suit made of raw meat

B. A fur coat

C. Actual clothing

Burger King, in a bid to expand its breakfast business, is adding this to its morning menu …

A. Pancakes

B. Waffles

C. Dollar Menu Bloody Marys

President Obama says he will mark the ninth anniversary of the September 11 attacks on Saturday morning with a solemn ceremony at …

A. The Pentagon

B. Ground Zero

C. The first tee at Congressional Country Club

Venus Williams has become a center of attention at this year’s U.S. Open because she is the only player left in either the men’s or women’s draw who is …

A. American

B. Seeded

C. Not wearing underwear

News reports say former Southern Cal great Reggie Bush might be stripped of his Heisman Trophy. It’s the worst news Bush has gotten since he found out …

A. USC was going on probation

B. His parents were accused of accepting illegal gifts

C. He didn’t make Kim Kardashian’s Top 100

Attorney General Eric Holder received praise from both sides of the political aisle by labeling as “idiotic and dangerous” plans to …

A. Burn copies of the Koran at a Florida church

B. Keep Guantanamo Bay open

C. Hold trials of 9-11 conspirators in a civilian court near Ground Zero

Morrissey, the former front man of the English rock band “The Smiths,” raised eyebrows during a recent interview by saying these people are a “subspecies” …

A. Chinese

B. Islamic fundamentalists

C. Morrissey fans

The soccer world is in an uproar this morning after British tabloids reported allegations that English star Wayne Rooney had sexual relations with …

A. A prostitute

B. A teammate’s wife

C. David Beckham

A new Mayo Clinic study finds that these people are significantly more likely to suffer “senior moments” of memory loss …

A. Men

B. Women

C. Newspaper subscribers

The Twins’ Jim Thome drew oohs and aahs at Target Field on Wednesday night when he hit the …

A. 586^th home run of his career

B. 22^nd round-tripper of the season

C. Roof of Target Center

Onetime Oscar nominee Ben Affleck drew some attention for the first time in years when he was spotted …

A. With gray hair

B. Sporting a beard

C. In a watchable movie

Chicago Mayor Richard Daley has announced he’s retiring at the end of his term, after more than two decades in City Hall, because he …

A. Wants to spend more time with his family

B. Looks to pursue business interests

C. Finally passed his father on the all-time graft list

Some political insiders believe Daley’s departure will open the way to a full-bore mayoral bid by this beloved Chicago figure …

A. Rahm Emanuel

B. Rod Blagojevich

C. Jay Mariotti

COMING TOMORROW: The Loop’s Week 1 NFL Picks

Reggie Bush by BushleagueTV

1. Reggie Bush

Hiding his Heisman Trophy as we speak. (previous ranking: unranked)

2. Denny Hecker

We won’t be seeing him at Manny’s for about 5 to 10 years. (unranked)

3. Sinkholes

Downtown St. Paul is starting to suck. Literally. (unranked)

4. Kent Hrbek

Holds major league record for sinkhole creation. (2)

5. Barack Obama

“They talk about me like a dog,” says the pouter-in-chief. (unranked)

6. Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart

Old wrestler had a hankering for an Oxycontin-Methadone smoothie. (unranked)

7. Richard Daley

Chicago could really go in the crapper now. Oh wait! … (unranked)

8. School

Never liked it. (unranked)

9. Mark David Chapman

Might have been paroled by now had he murdered a different Beatle. (unranked)

10. Tiger Woods

Added to Ryder Cup team out of pity. (unranked)

Others receiving votes: Randy Moss, Albert Haynesworth, James Sheppard, Bill Lee, Joran van der Sloot, Terry Jones, Colby Rasmus, Dan Hampton, Wayne Rooney, Stephen Slater, Matt Leinart, Kanye West, Jerry Lewis, craigslist, Tripp Emmer, Michaele Salahi, McDonald’s, Floyd Mayweather, Javon Walker.

As a public service to those of you who missed it, here is Kent Hrbek’s attempt to field his position during Sunday’s Twins Legends game. Mere words and one-liners cannot do it justice. We need video, albeit of mediocre quality.

Kent Hrbek Banner by Oxygengirl

Kent Hrbek dug a two-foot-long divot in the Target Field turf while sliding to make a catch during Sunday’s Twins old-timers game. Grounds crew officials were appalled, saying that’s the last time they will ever let livestock on the field.

A Florida church plans to commemorate September 11 by burning copies of the Koran. Terry Jones’ Dove World Outreach Center decided to start burning the Islamic holy books when they recently ran out of crosses.

Hall of Fame defensive end Dan Hampton is under fire after saying the Vikings need to go down to New Orleans and “hit that town like Katrina.” The comment is not that surprising when you consider how often the old Chicago Bear played without a helmet.

President Obama reportedly is planning a campaign trip to Minnesota in the weeks leading up to the November election. It’s not certain, though, which booze-challenged gubernatorial candidate will be helped most by the visit.

Jerry Lewis’ annual Labor Day telethon brought in an impressive total of more than $58 million in pledges. Of course, donations would have doubled had the comedian followed through on his offer to beat up Lindsay Lohan.

Howard Stern announced that he is “pretty sure” he’s leaving Sirius satellite radio at the end of his $500 million contract. This could prove devastating for Sirius if the shock jock takes his dozens of listeners with him.

Teen mother Bristol Palin made her debut on “The Tonight Show” on Friday. It’s the surest sign yet that Jay Leno is running out of real celebrities who will go on his show.

Investigative reporter Joe McGinnis announced he has moved out of the Wasilla, Alaska house he was renting next to Sarah Palin’s home. He would have left sooner, but it took three months before he was able to see the former Alaska governor naked.

East Carolina used a Hail Mary pass as time expired to beat Tulsa 51-49 on Sunday. This gives the Pirates a leg up in the race to earn a bid to the Whogivesaratsass Bowl.

Boxing champ Floyd Mayweather was forced to apologize for his racist online rant against Filipino rival Manny Pacquiao. Pretty Boy’s ramblings got little media attention, though, because nobody covers boxing anymore.

Matt Leinart by ABetterLA

1. Matt Leinart

Needs a Hot Tub Time Machine to find his career. (previous ranking: unranked)

2. Kent Hrbek

Really digs the Twins’ new field. (unranked)

3. Kanye West

Wrote new song for Taylor Swift titled “You’re Almost as Great as Me.” (unranked)

4. Jerry Lewis

TIMPANI! It’s time to spank Lindsay Lohan! (3)

5. Craigslist

There’s more than just the prostitution ads? (unranked)

6. Tripp Emmer

Who knew 20-year-olds in Minnesota drank beer? (unranked)

7. Michaele Salahi

Has Playboy run out of good-looking reality TV stars? (unranked)

8. McDonald’s

Consumer Reports makes it official: Unadulterated crap. (unranked)

9. Floyd Mayweather

Boxing’s biggest star turns out to be a racist, homophobic assclown. Again. (unranked)

10. Javon Walker

Too washed up for the Vikings. Or is he? (unranked)

Others receiving votes: Joran van der Sloot, Terry Jones, Colby Rasmus, Dan Hampton, Wayne Rooney, Darrelle Revis, Axl Rose, Jay Leno, Jesse Jackson’s Escalade, Tony Blair, Stephen Slater, San Diego Padres, Denny Hecker, Jan Brewer, Tarvaris Jackson, Nyjer Morgan, James Jay Lee, Hurricane Earl, Gulf Coast oil rigs, Prince Frederic von Anhalt, Andy Roddick, Paris Hilton, Pepsi, Jacques Demers.

Here’s another take. Note the mournful silence.

With all of the local distress, you may have forgotten what a celebration looks like. Here’s one from a New Orleans bar two weeks later, as Tracy Porter’s interception and touchdown clinched the Saints’ first Super Bowl title.

This next clip actually comes from 1965, back before the Jerry-thon was telecast nationwide. It features a famous drum “showdown” between Lewis and the legendary Buddy Rich, live from New York.

And we close with the traditional finale, “You’ll Never Walk Alone” from “Carousel,” from a mid-60s telethon in New York, complete with French translation.