Quarantine by Scragz

A new government study finds that one in six Americans has been exposed to …   

A. Herpes  

B. The H1N1 virus  

C. Ben Roethlisberger’s Two-Minute Drill   

Joe Nathan’s elbow injury has caused great anxiety across Minnesota as fans fear the Twins’ closer in 2010 will be …   

A. Jon Rauch  

B. Pat Neshek  

C. Wholly Inadequate   

A New York chef is causing quite a stir by using his wife’s breast milk for this accurately titled dish …   

A. “Mommy’s Milk Cheese”  

B. “Nursing Cream”  

C. “Lactation Surprise”   

Lindsay Lohan has filed a $100 million lawsuit saying her image was the inspiration for the “milkaholic” character in commercials for …   

A. E-Trade  

B. The American Dairy Association  

C. “Girls Gone Wild: Extreme Detox”   

The Huffington Post removed a post from this celebrity contributor because he violated its policy against the spreading of lunatic conspiracy theories …   

A. Jesse Ventura  

B. Charlie Sheen  

C. Al Gore   

CBS Sports officials, with great fanfare, announced that their NCAA Tournament theme, “One Shining Moment” would now be sung by …   

A. Jennifer Hudson  

B. Alicia Keys  

C. Larry Elder   

Chad Ochocinco was featured last week in an Internet video that showed him running naked. The Cincinnati wide receiver was sprinting in the buff because he was …   

A. Seeking publicity  

B. Unaware he was being filmed    

C. Being chased by then-Congressman Eric Massa   

New York Rep. Eric Massa says he stepped down from Congress this week when he learned …   

A. He had a recurrence of cancer  

B. He had irreconcilable differences with the White House over health care reform  

C. Groping your staffers’ privates is considered by some to be inappropriate   

An American woman nicknamed “Jihad Jane” has been arrested on charges she tried to recruit terrorists. Her real name is …   

A. Colleen LaRose  

B. Latka Gravas  

C. Jane Fonda   

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts turned heads Tuesday when he described this as “very troubling” …   

A. The highly partisan atmosphere at President Obama’s State of the Union Address  

B. The lack of adequate civics education in our nation’s schools  

C. His shower room encounter with a naked Rahm Emanuel at his neighborhood Gold’s Gym.   

ESPN is bankrolling a new biography of Vince Lombardi in which the hall of fame football coach will be portrayed by …   

A. Robert DeNiro  

B. Brian Denehey  

C. Meryl Streep   

Radio shock jock Howard Stern caused some outrage when he opined that this Oscar nominee’s obesity would kill any chances of future work in Hollywood  …   

A. Gabourey Sidibe  

B. Mo’Nique  

C. James Cameron   

George Clooney logged a lot of camera time at the Oscars as he was seated in the front row with his true love …   

A. Elizabeth Canalis  

B. Renee Zellweger  

C. Jim Beam   

Academy Awards hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin reportedly were banned Sunday night from making jokes about …   

A. Tiger Woods’ sex scandal  

B. Health care reform  

C. Lady Gaga’s multipurpose genitalia  

Jack Nicklaus broke his silence on the Tiger Woods scandal when he said he wouldn’t be at all surprised to see Tiger …   

A. Play at this year’s Masters  

B. Break Jack’s record for most career majors won  

C. Buy three truckloads of penicillin   

New allegations of abuse, mind control and violent behavior were leveled this weekend in a front-page New York Times expose about the …   

A. Church of Scientology  

B. Tea Party  

C. U.S. House of Representatives   

A shocking audit of the proceeds from a historic charity effort found that a large chunk of the money raised by the 1985 Live Aid concerts went to …   

A. Rebels in Somalia  

B. Freedom fighters in El Salvador  

C. The Bob Geldof Human Fund   

The Pinstripe Bowl is coming to Yankee Stadium, becoming the first college football bowl in New York City since the early 1960s demise of the …   

A. Gotham Bowl  

B. New Amsterdam Bowl  

C. Armpit of America Bowl   

Cleveland Cavaliers fans made history Friday night by setting a world record for the most people gathered in one place wearing …   

A. Snuggies  

B. LeBron James jerseys  

C. Ankle bracelet monitoring devices

Joe Nathan by Hazboy

1. Joe Nathan

Paging Tommy John. (Previous ranking: 5) 

2. Robert Halderman

Facing six months of Stupid Human Tricks in prison. (unranked)

3. Ben Roethlisberger

“The biggest thing to happen to Milledgeville since the Civil War.” (1)

4. George Clooney

One of the millions getting drunk during Oscars, only he was in the front row. (unranked)

5. Lindsay Lohan

An alcoholic sues over a milkaholic. (unranked)

6. Eric Massa

Another hands-on congressman. (unranked)

7. Rahm Emanuel

Famous for his naked partisanship. (2)

8. Bill Simmons & Keith Olbermann

Nothing more entertaining than a pissing match between assclowns. (unranked)

9. Allen Iverson

Needed much more “practice” before hitting the casinos. (6)

10. Dan Rather

Hasn’t retired his arcane references to watermelon. (unranked)

Others receiving votes: Harry Smith, Jesse Ventura, “Jihad Jane”, Carl Edwards, Pinstripe Bowl, Mike Dunleavy, Lil Wayne, Denny Hecker, James Cameron, Mickey Rourke, Scientology, North Carolina basketball, Joel Przybilla, North Korea, Ron Artest.

Ron Artest and Vince Carter by Jrg1975

Ron Artest shaved his head just days after unveiling a new multicolored hairdo. The NBA star’s hair was painted gold, and in purple, it had Hebrew, Hindi and Japanese characters spelling out the words “crazy-ass mother——.”

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin defended her habit of writing on her hand by saying that God did it too. She learned this startling fact when a fan sent her a Biblical passage from the Book of Poppycock.

Sean Penn says that reporters who refer to Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez as a “dictator” should be put in jail. The Oscar winner has been very protective of the leftist Chavez since becoming romantically involved with the dictator in 2002.

Ben Roethlisberger’s attorney says that “no sexual assault occurred” between his client and his Georgia accuser. It’s the first indication that Ed Garland was actually in that nightclub ladies room with Big Ben.

Rap star Lil Wayne on Monday was sentenced to a year in jail on weapons charges. He’ll now spend the coming months behind bars on New York’s Rikers Island, where he’ll spend most of his time feeling especially Weezy.

A Democratic representative claims a naked White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel accosted him in a congressional gym shower because of his voting record. In a related note, former Rep. Mark Foley is considering returning to Congress as a Democrat.

Cuban rookie pitcher Aroldis Chapman raised eyebrows in his Cincinnati debut by hitting 100 mph on the radar gun. Despite his strong start, it still should take only a few months for his arm to be ruined by Reds manager Dusty Baker.

Alabama’s football team celebrated its 2009 national championship with a visit to the White House on Monday. All eyes were on Tide coach Nick Saban, who’s believed to be the biggest jerk to set foot in the White House since the departure of John Sununu.

PGA veteran Mark Calcavecchia says that Tiger Woods changed his phone number at least five times in the past year. While that could be related to Woods’ extramarital activities, it’s more likely he was just trying to avoid Calcavecchia.

A new poll finds that respect for the United States is dropping around the world. Analysts say America’s prestige and reputation might never recover from the damage caused by its Olympic curlers.

Ben Roethlisberger by Plbsports

1. Ben Roethlisberger

Sounds like Little Ben MIGHT be doing all the thinking for Big Ben. (Previous ranking: 1)

2. Rahm Emanuel

“Son of the Devil’s spawn.” (unranked)

3. Denny Hecker

Was only a matter of time before his lawyers jumped ship. (unranked)

4. James Cameron

No longer KING OF THE WORLD! (3)

5. Joe Nathan

Do the Twins even have a Plan B? (4) 

6. Allen Iverson

You’d be drinking a lot, too, if you had his gambling debts. (unranked)

7. Mickey Rourke

Expects to reach 15 if “Iron Man 2” is a hit. (10)

8. Scientology

The only church with billion-year contracts. (6)

9. North Carolina basketball

Not even NIT worthy. (5)

10. Joel Przybilla

Can’t even negotiate a shower without injury. (unranked)

Others receiving votes: Lil Wayne, George Clooney, Joe Buck, North Korea, Ron Artest, Brad Paisley, Adam Gadahn, Derek Boogaard, Davis Cup, Jake Delhomme.

Hurt Locker by FontShip Benelux

“The Hurt Locker” won six Academy Awards on Sunday night, including Best Picture. For those scoring at home, that’s roughly one Oscar for every 10 people who saw the Iraq War film in theaters.

Oscar hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin reportedly were banned from making jokes about the Tiger Woods sex scandal. Academy officials apparently feared “Avatar” director James Cameron would be offended, because he and Tiger dated many of the same “actresses.”

James Taylor sang a touching tribute to members of The Academy who died in the past year. His song was titled “We’ll Never Forget You … except for Farrah Fawcett and Bea Arthur.”

Former Oscar nominee Mickey Rourke made tabloid headlines by claiming to have bedded 14 women in one night. If true, it would set the world record for the largest gathering of women with no standards whatsoever.

Mike Tyson reportedly is negotiating a return to the ring to take on Evander Holyfield for a third time. Boxing experts say it could be the least-demanded sequel since “Rocky V.”

Hero pilot Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger announced his retirement just 14 months after landing his disabled jet on the Hudson River. He’ll still be plenty busy, though, getting ready for next season when he moves in with the cast of “Jersey Shore.”

Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad raised eyebrows over the weekend by claiming that the 9-11 attacks were just a “big lie” … giving him something in common with former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura.

Pittsburgh’s Ben Roethlisberger has been accused of sexual assault for the second time in less than a year. Legal analysts believe this rash of charges might be linked to the quarterback’s inability to comprehend the word “no.”

The Cincinnati Bengals apparently are interested in signing free agent wide receiver Terrell Owens. Such a deal would make sense, as the Bengals could pair T.O. with Chad Ochocinco when using their “Double A-hole” offensive sets.

A zookeeper was killed in China by a bengal tiger on Saturday, one day after a woman had her fingers bitten off by a black bear at a Wisconsin zoo. Authorities blamed the attacks on “animalistic” behavior.

Ben Roethlisberger by Mattockadam

1. Ben Roethlisberger  

Now has as many sex assault accusations as Super Bowl rings. (Previous ranking: unranked)  

2. Adam Gadahn  

Was America’s al Qaeda guy arrested or not? Only thing certain is he hasn’t bathed in about 10 years. (unranked)  

3. James Cameron  

Also lost the Oscar for Best Ex. (unranked)  

4. Joe Nathan  

Elbow pain isn’t “super serious?” (unranked)   

5. North Carolina basketball  

Managed to stay within 32 points of Duke. (unranked)  

6. Scientology  

Except for the abuse and torture, not such a bad cult. (unranked)  

7. Derek Boogaard  

Suspension leaves Wild dangerously low on knuckle draggers. (unranked)  

8. Davis Cup  

U.S. eliminated after loss by John Isner … like you’ve heard of him (unranked)  

9. Jake Delhomme  

THERE’S NO CRYING IN FOOTBALL! (unranked)  

10. Mickey Rourke  

It’s surprising to learn he can even count to 14. (unranked)  

Others receiving votes: Brett Favre, Ron Artest, Brad Paisley, Brittney Griner, Barack Obama, Denny Hecker, David Paterson, Naomi Campbell, Child air traffic controllers, Levi Johnston, John Daly, Steve Williams.

Lots of actors and actresses have won the Academy Award, ranging from the great, to the near great, to Cuba Gooding Jr. But only two have refused to accept their little statuette.

The first was George C. Scott, who rejected his 1970 Best Actor Oscar for “Patton” because he felt actors should not be in competition … a reason that sounded as idiotic then as it does today.

Here is the second. It’s the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion, March 27, 1973, and Marlon Brando is widely expected to take home the Oscar for “The Godfather.” Enter Sacheen Littlefeather.

It’s Academy Award weekend, so we’re going to take a look back at a couple of the greatest show-stopping moments in Oscar history. And by show-stopping, we mean literally stopping the show in its tracks.

First up, the infamous opening to the 1989 Oscars, featuring Snow White, Rob Lowe, and the production number that nearly destroyed the genre.

Dead Sea Scrolls by Sicknsore

Some of the Dead Sea Scrolls are coming to St. Paul thanks to an upcoming exhibit at the Science Museum. Not only will the display include the 2,000-year-old Biblical relics, it will include a certificate of authenticity from Sid Hartman.

Brett Favre told Jay Leno during last night’s “Tonight Show” that he was bruised and battered by the end of the last Vikings season. He admitted, though, that he was not nearly as lame as a typical Leno skit.

Leno said Favre brought his favorite priest with him to the Thursday taping in Burbank. That came in handy after the show, as the priest was able to perform the last rites on Matthew McConaghey’s movie career.

Louisville will play its final game in historic Freedom Hall on Saturday. There won’t be a dry eye in the house during the postgame farewell when coach Rick Pitino comes out on the court for the final time to have sex on floor.

A New York limousine driver has suddenly recanted his claim that supermodel Naomi Campbell beat him up in a vicious rage. He now says it was a case of mistaken identity and that his attacker was actually Baylor’s Brittney Griner.

Griner was suspended two games for sucker-punching a Texas Tech opponent in the face. Millions have seen the video on the Internet, making it the most watched display of boxing in more than a decade.

About 50 ships, including some large ferries, became stuck in the ice of the Baltic Sea in northern Europe. While some vessels have been freed, many will be stuck in their frozen limbo until Al Gore is able to bring some emergency hot air about global warming.

Divorced reality TV star Jon Gosselin reportedly turned down an offer of $20,000 to pose nude for Playgirl magazine. Kate’s ex was insulted by the offering, claiming he’s at least ¼ the man Levi Johnston is.

Oscar winner Sean Penn raised eyebrows by saying he wishes his critics all die of rectal cancer. It’s shocking, as rectal cancer is almost as excruciatingly painful as listening to Penn talk about politics.

Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel will be together again this May when they perform in concert in St. Paul. It won’t be a full-scale reunion of the ‘60s icons as Simon’s hairline left about 30 years ago.

Brett Favre, Drama Queen by Schachteles

1. Brett Favre  

You weren’t REALLY expecting him to spill the beans to Jay Leno, were you? (Previous ranking: unranked)  

2. Brittney Griner  

The Naomi Campbell of college basketball. (unranked)  

3. Denny Hecker  

This story just gets darker and darker. (unranked)  

4. Barack Obama  

Desperately trading judgeships for health care votes. (1)   

5. Naomi Campbell  

Having more trouble finding a limo driver than Jayson Williams. (4)  

6. Child air traffic controllers  

A better workplace for kids than, say, Nike’s Indonesian sweatshops. (8)  

7. Levi Johnston  

Pay 21 grand to the Palins or go to jail … decisions, decisions. (unranked)  

8. John Daly  

After losing all that weight, now a lean, drunk bastard. (2)  

9. David Paterson  

Not sharp enough to keep all his scandals straight. (7)  

10. Steve Williams  

Would have outed Tiger had he known of affairs, he said with an AMAZINGLY straight face. (unranked)  

Others receiving votes: Jake Delhomme, Sean Penn, Jon Gosselin, Jason Terry, Milton Bradley, Sarah Palin, David Letterman, Jim Bunning, Suburban turkeys, Minnesota Gophers, Charles Rangel, Saturday mail delivery.