The 72^nd NCAA men’s basketball tournament begins this week, and for the 72^nd consecutive year, the champion will not be the Minnesota Golden Gophers.

The maroon and gold have had what can best be described as a checked history on the hardwood. Only one trip to the Final Four, and that 1997 anomaly was stricken from the records after the academic cheating scandal.

While the Gophers have won or shared nine Big Ten championships, the most famous moment in Minnesota basketball history was anything but a triumph.

It’s 1972. Ohio State is finishing off a big victory at the Barn over Bill Musselman’s crew. Then all hell breaks loose, as the Buckeyes’ Luke Witte gets a taste of Corky Taylor’s knee and Ron Behagan’s foot.

It’s State Hockey weekend here in St. Paul, as Minnesota’s finest high school teams gather to determine a champion … make that two champions.

A full 65 years have passed since the first tourney, when the Golden Bears of Eveleth came down from the Range to beat Thief River Falls 4-3 at the St. Paul Auditorium.

Now you might wonder, just what was hockey like in 1945?

Film footage is scarce, but we do have this richly detailed and historically accurate Walt Disney cartoon to offer some clues.

Ben Roethlisberger by Mattockadam

Police in Georgia investigating the Ben Roethlisberger case have requested a DNA sample from the Pittsburgh quarterback. They expect Big Ben to comply, because if there’s one thing Roethlisberger is famous for, it’s eagerly sharing his DNA.

Roethisberger reportedly admits to having had sexual “contact” with his accuser, who then happened to slip on the floor and injure her head. What’s not known, though, is whether Big Ben was able to keep a straight face when telling this story.

A Florida woman is facing criminal charges after she crashed her car, in large part, because she was shaving her bikini area while driving. Witnesses said they hadn’t seen such utter stupidity since Jesse Ventura’s last TV appearance.

Perennial Pro Bowl running back LaDainian Tomlinson visited the Vikings on Thursday and is considering signing a free agent deal with Minnesota. He would be a huge addition, giving the Vikings’ offense at least one person who can hold onto the ball.

CBS “Early Show” host Harry Smith on Wednesday underwent the first live colonoscopy in TV history. CBS News anchor Katie Couric was at Smith’s side during the procedure because she has WAY too much free time on her hands.

Bankrupt former major leaguer Lenny Dykstra has been accused of groping his personal assistant and demanding sex from her. If true, this shows that “The Dude” wasn’t content with screwing only his business associates.

Major League Soccer players have voted to strike if they are unable to reach a new labor agreement by March 25. Such a strike would force millions of American sports fans to find another sport to ignore.

A high school in the backwoods of Mississippi canceled its prom after a lesbian student asked permission to attend with her girlfriend. The cancelation is a huge disappointment for dozens of students and the cousins they had asked to the prom.

Jesse Ventura by Justinhoch

1. Jesse Ventura

Managed to write five books using just a single crayon. (Previous ranking: unranked)

2. Tiger Woods

Returning to golf after finding a suitable set of earplugs. (unranked)

3. Torii Hunter

“You can get a Dominican guy for a bag of chips.” (unranked)

4. Health care reform

“Dead on arrival.” (unranked) 

5. Harry Smith

Best part of his TV colonoscopy: Katie Couric in the “splash zone.” (1)

6. Ben Roethlisberger

What does he mean by “contact.” (4)

7. Eric Massa

You know it’s bad when Glenn Beck thinks YOU are nuts. (8)

8. Lindsay Lohan

Actually would be much better off becoming a “milkaholic.” (7)

9. Lenny Dykstra

Who knew he still could afford a personal assistant? (unranked)

10. Tim Tebow

Wonderlic test shows he’s no rocket scientist. (unranked)

Others receiving votes: Jeremiah Masoli, Derek Anderson, Mike Dunleavy, school bomb threats, “Jihad Jane”, Corey Haim, Greece, Joe Nathan, Marion Jones.

Eric Massa by Bobby 20022004

The words people say, and what they actually are thinking when they say them, are often two very different things. That’s why we use The Loop Quote Converter.

ERIC MASSA

Onetime New York Congressman, on the incident that led to his resignation:

“Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn’t breathe and then four guys jumped on top of me.”

Translation: “But enough about my visit to the Vatican.”

JESSE VENTURA

Former pro wrestler, giving his verdict on the September 11^th terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon:

“The Bush administration either knew about the plan and allowed it to proceed, or they had a hand in it themselves.”

Translation: “Yeah … even I can’t believe I was elected governor of anything.”

KEITH OLBERMANN

MSNBC host, on ESPN’s Bill Simmons:

“I am again left to marvel how somebody can rise to a fairly prominent media position with no discernible insight or talent, save for an apparent ability to mix up a vast bowl of word salad very quickly.”

Translation: “Oh wait … I thought we were talking about me!”

BILL SIMMONS

ESPN Internet columnist, addressing Keith Olbermann:

“You’re my worst case scenario for my career in 12 years: a pious, unlikable blowhard who lives alone.”

Translation: “I like pretending I’ll still HAVE a job in 12 years.”

NANCY PELOSI

U.S. House speaker, on the urgency of passing President Obama’s health care reform plan:

“We have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it, away from the fog of the controversy.”

Translation: “All of this botox is affecting my senses.”

ED GARLAND

Ben Roethlisberger’s attorney, on accusations that the Pittsburgh quarterback sexually assaulted a woman at a Georgia nightclub:

“Ben is completely innocent of any crime.”

Translation: “Remember, being a pig isn’t a crime.”

LINDSEY VONN

Gold medal skier, on U.S. Olympic teammate Julia Mancuso, after Vonn’s fall forced Mancuso to restart her giant slalom run in Vancouver:

“I feel terrible for Julia. I wanted to finish, I wanted to have a good run, and by no means did I want that to happen to Julia.”

Translation: “B*TCH!”

JULIA MANCUSO

On Vonn, her American teammate:

“People are having a hard time reaching their potential because it’s such a struggle for attention. You come to meetings after races, and it’s like it’s a bad day if Lindsey didn’t do well.”

Translation: “B*TCH!”

JOE NATHAN

Twins closer, saying he hasn’t given up on the 2010 campaign after being diagnosed with a season-ending elbow injury:

“If I’m able to go out there and throw, then I’ll definitely give it a shot. The only reason that I would get a surgery done is if I’m just unable to go out there.”

Translation: “I feel an urgent, yet unexplainable, need to pretend I can pitch during the next 15 months.”

STEPHANIE OVADIA

Attorney for Lindsay Lohan, who sued E-Trade over the “milkaholic” character in their Super Bowl ad, claiming they stole her image:

“They used the name Lindsay. They’re using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn’t they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message.”

Translation: “I’m taking some of the same drugs that have turned Lindsay into a punch line.”

DAN RATHER

Onetime CBS News anchor:

“(President Obama) couldn’t sell watermelons if you gave him the state troopers to flag down the traffic.”

Translation: “I’m blurting out this blatantly racist quote because, frankly, I want to make certain my career is completely dead.”

 “JIHAD JANE”

Accused terrorist recruiter and American housewife Colleen LaRose, in an e-mail to one of her conspirators:

“(It’s) an honor and great pleasure to die or kill for (holy war).”

Translation: “It beats being a suburban housewife.”

JACK NICKLAUS

PGA legend, speculating on Tiger Woods’ status for the upcoming Masters in light of his extramarital crisis:

“I can’t imagine in a hundred years he is going to miss Augusta.”

Translation: “Of course, I couldn’t imagine in a thousand years he’d have 18 bimbos.”

HOWARD STERN

Satellite radio shock jock, on “Tonight Show” host Jay Leno:

“Just the mere mention of Jay Leno’s name makes me want to vomit.”

Translation: “I now can appreciate the feeling most folks experience while listening to my show.”

DAVID LETTERMAN

“Late Show” host, thanking prosecutors after the sentencing of Robert Halderman, who admitted trying to extort millions from the philandering CBS star:

“On behalf of my family, I am extremely grateful for their tireless efforts.”

Translation: “Who am I kidding … I haven’t spoken to my family in ages.”

EVGENI PLUSHENKO

Russian figure skater and former Olympic champion, after being upset by Evan Lysacek in Vancouver:

“I think we need to change the judging system — a quad is a quad. If an Olympic champion doesn’t do a quad, well I don’t know. … Now it’s not men’s figure skating, it’s dancing.”

Translation: “I used to do much better when we paid off judges.”

Harry Smith by Magic_Fella

1. Harry Smith

Just what we wanted to see first thing in the morning: This guy’s colon! (Previous ranking: unranked)

2. School bomb threats

An entertaining way for Australian losers to pass the time. (unranked)

3. Joe Nathan

Well, this explains his Ron Davis impersonation during the ‘09 playoffs. (1) 

4. Ben Roethlisberger

Says it was all consensual … again. (3)

5. “Jihad Jane”

In high school, was voted Most Likely to Kill a Swedish Cartoonist. (unranked)

6. Marion Jones

What’s more miserable? Prison? Or playing for a WNBA team in Tulsa? (unranked)

7. Lindsay Lohan

Doesn’t even know what E-Trade is. (5)

8. Eric Massa

“A very touchy feely kind of guy.” (6)

9. Corey Haim

Apparently 15 trips into rehab weren’t enough. (unranked)

10. Greece

And you thought OUR government was a basket case. (unranked)

Others receiving votes: Jesse Ventura, Jeremiah Masoli, Derek Anderson, Torii Hunter, Mike Dunleavy, the Pinstripe Bowl, Carl Edwards, Robert Halderman, Rahm Emanuel, Bill Simmons & Keith Olbermann, Allen Iverson, Dan Rather, George Clooney.

Quarantine by Scragz

A new government study finds that one in six Americans has been exposed to …   

A. Herpes  

B. The H1N1 virus  

C. Ben Roethlisberger’s Two-Minute Drill   

Joe Nathan’s elbow injury has caused great anxiety across Minnesota as fans fear the Twins’ closer in 2010 will be …   

A. Jon Rauch  

B. Pat Neshek  

C. Wholly Inadequate   

A New York chef is causing quite a stir by using his wife’s breast milk for this accurately titled dish …   

A. “Mommy’s Milk Cheese”  

B. “Nursing Cream”  

C. “Lactation Surprise”   

Lindsay Lohan has filed a $100 million lawsuit saying her image was the inspiration for the “milkaholic” character in commercials for …   

A. E-Trade  

B. The American Dairy Association  

C. “Girls Gone Wild: Extreme Detox”   

The Huffington Post removed a post from this celebrity contributor because he violated its policy against the spreading of lunatic conspiracy theories …   

A. Jesse Ventura  

B. Charlie Sheen  

C. Al Gore   

CBS Sports officials, with great fanfare, announced that their NCAA Tournament theme, “One Shining Moment” would now be sung by …   

A. Jennifer Hudson  

B. Alicia Keys  

C. Larry Elder   

Chad Ochocinco was featured last week in an Internet video that showed him running naked. The Cincinnati wide receiver was sprinting in the buff because he was …   

A. Seeking publicity  

B. Unaware he was being filmed    

C. Being chased by then-Congressman Eric Massa   

New York Rep. Eric Massa says he stepped down from Congress this week when he learned …   

A. He had a recurrence of cancer  

B. He had irreconcilable differences with the White House over health care reform  

C. Groping your staffers’ privates is considered by some to be inappropriate   

An American woman nicknamed “Jihad Jane” has been arrested on charges she tried to recruit terrorists. Her real name is …   

A. Colleen LaRose  

B. Latka Gravas  

C. Jane Fonda   

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts turned heads Tuesday when he described this as “very troubling” …   

A. The highly partisan atmosphere at President Obama’s State of the Union Address  

B. The lack of adequate civics education in our nation’s schools  

C. His shower room encounter with a naked Rahm Emanuel at his neighborhood Gold’s Gym.   

ESPN is bankrolling a new biography of Vince Lombardi in which the hall of fame football coach will be portrayed by …   

A. Robert DeNiro  

B. Brian Denehey  

C. Meryl Streep   

Radio shock jock Howard Stern caused some outrage when he opined that this Oscar nominee’s obesity would kill any chances of future work in Hollywood  …   

A. Gabourey Sidibe  

B. Mo’Nique  

C. James Cameron   

George Clooney logged a lot of camera time at the Oscars as he was seated in the front row with his true love …   

A. Elizabeth Canalis  

B. Renee Zellweger  

C. Jim Beam   

Academy Awards hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin reportedly were banned Sunday night from making jokes about …   

A. Tiger Woods’ sex scandal  

B. Health care reform  

C. Lady Gaga’s multipurpose genitalia  

Jack Nicklaus broke his silence on the Tiger Woods scandal when he said he wouldn’t be at all surprised to see Tiger …   

A. Play at this year’s Masters  

B. Break Jack’s record for most career majors won  

C. Buy three truckloads of penicillin   

New allegations of abuse, mind control and violent behavior were leveled this weekend in a front-page New York Times expose about the …   

A. Church of Scientology  

B. Tea Party  

C. U.S. House of Representatives   

A shocking audit of the proceeds from a historic charity effort found that a large chunk of the money raised by the 1985 Live Aid concerts went to …   

A. Rebels in Somalia  

B. Freedom fighters in El Salvador  

C. The Bob Geldof Human Fund   

The Pinstripe Bowl is coming to Yankee Stadium, becoming the first college football bowl in New York City since the early 1960s demise of the …   

A. Gotham Bowl  

B. New Amsterdam Bowl  

C. Armpit of America Bowl   

Cleveland Cavaliers fans made history Friday night by setting a world record for the most people gathered in one place wearing …   

A. Snuggies  

B. LeBron James jerseys  

C. Ankle bracelet monitoring devices

Joe Nathan by Hazboy

1. Joe Nathan

Paging Tommy John. (Previous ranking: 5) 

2. Robert Halderman

Facing six months of Stupid Human Tricks in prison. (unranked)

3. Ben Roethlisberger

“The biggest thing to happen to Milledgeville since the Civil War.” (1)

4. George Clooney

One of the millions getting drunk during Oscars, only he was in the front row. (unranked)

5. Lindsay Lohan

An alcoholic sues over a milkaholic. (unranked)

6. Eric Massa

Another hands-on congressman. (unranked)

7. Rahm Emanuel

Famous for his naked partisanship. (2)

8. Bill Simmons & Keith Olbermann

Nothing more entertaining than a pissing match between assclowns. (unranked)

9. Allen Iverson

Needed much more “practice” before hitting the casinos. (6)

10. Dan Rather

Hasn’t retired his arcane references to watermelon. (unranked)

Others receiving votes: Harry Smith, Jesse Ventura, “Jihad Jane”, Carl Edwards, Pinstripe Bowl, Mike Dunleavy, Lil Wayne, Denny Hecker, James Cameron, Mickey Rourke, Scientology, North Carolina basketball, Joel Przybilla, North Korea, Ron Artest.

Ron Artest and Vince Carter by Jrg1975

Ron Artest shaved his head just days after unveiling a new multicolored hairdo. The NBA star’s hair was painted gold, and in purple, it had Hebrew, Hindi and Japanese characters spelling out the words “crazy-ass mother——.”

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin defended her habit of writing on her hand by saying that God did it too. She learned this startling fact when a fan sent her a Biblical passage from the Book of Poppycock.

Sean Penn says that reporters who refer to Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez as a “dictator” should be put in jail. The Oscar winner has been very protective of the leftist Chavez since becoming romantically involved with the dictator in 2002.

Ben Roethlisberger’s attorney says that “no sexual assault occurred” between his client and his Georgia accuser. It’s the first indication that Ed Garland was actually in that nightclub ladies room with Big Ben.

Rap star Lil Wayne on Monday was sentenced to a year in jail on weapons charges. He’ll now spend the coming months behind bars on New York’s Rikers Island, where he’ll spend most of his time feeling especially Weezy.

A Democratic representative claims a naked White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel accosted him in a congressional gym shower because of his voting record. In a related note, former Rep. Mark Foley is considering returning to Congress as a Democrat.

Cuban rookie pitcher Aroldis Chapman raised eyebrows in his Cincinnati debut by hitting 100 mph on the radar gun. Despite his strong start, it still should take only a few months for his arm to be ruined by Reds manager Dusty Baker.

Alabama’s football team celebrated its 2009 national championship with a visit to the White House on Monday. All eyes were on Tide coach Nick Saban, who’s believed to be the biggest jerk to set foot in the White House since the departure of John Sununu.

PGA veteran Mark Calcavecchia says that Tiger Woods changed his phone number at least five times in the past year. While that could be related to Woods’ extramarital activities, it’s more likely he was just trying to avoid Calcavecchia.

A new poll finds that respect for the United States is dropping around the world. Analysts say America’s prestige and reputation might never recover from the damage caused by its Olympic curlers.

Ben Roethlisberger by Plbsports

1. Ben Roethlisberger

Sounds like Little Ben MIGHT be doing all the thinking for Big Ben. (Previous ranking: 1)

2. Rahm Emanuel

“Son of the Devil’s spawn.” (unranked)

3. Denny Hecker

Was only a matter of time before his lawyers jumped ship. (unranked)

4. James Cameron

No longer KING OF THE WORLD! (3)

5. Joe Nathan

Do the Twins even have a Plan B? (4) 

6. Allen Iverson

You’d be drinking a lot, too, if you had his gambling debts. (unranked)

7. Mickey Rourke

Expects to reach 15 if “Iron Man 2” is a hit. (10)

8. Scientology

The only church with billion-year contracts. (6)

9. North Carolina basketball

Not even NIT worthy. (5)

10. Joel Przybilla

Can’t even negotiate a shower without injury. (unranked)

Others receiving votes: Lil Wayne, George Clooney, Joe Buck, North Korea, Ron Artest, Brad Paisley, Adam Gadahn, Derek Boogaard, Davis Cup, Jake Delhomme.